Doing it on my own

Well here we are. Four plus months into a six month deployment. It has honestly gone by faster than I imagined. I'm now worried about readjusting back to having a husband instead of worrying about how I'll handle him being gone. Don't get me wrong I'm thrilled he's coming home. No more lonely evenings (although a friend on Yahoo has helped me with that), no more taking care of a sick child while I'm sick also, no more frantically finding a babysitter when I have class on the weekend. Someone to rub my back and hold my hand and to lay next to in bed even when he's on my side. Someone to complain that I haven't vacuumed in a week. Someone to get upset that the house isn't as clean as he'd like. Someone who bought me a diamond ring for our ten year anniversary just because it was what I wanted. Someone who has helped my dreams come true. Someone with smelly ugly feet but a heart as big as the outdoors.

I've missed having him home for so many reasons. Reasons I'll need to remember as I learn how to be a spouse again in a little less than two months.

I thought I would do better on writing on here. You know the journal type thing, but as life took over my memory got shorter and my time was spent doing other things.

It's been an interesting four months. We've been sick with the flu. We've had more snow than I've seen in years. We'll have a white Christmas, which I haven't had since 1986 when I lived in Germany with my parents. We celebrated ten years of marriage on separate continents and in separate time zones. We've skyped and emailed and telephoned. We've had our good moments. We made cookies together and sent some to daddy. We've gone to McDonald's to play and got bitten yet again. We've missed daddy and his presence. We've bonded and gotten a relationship that will only grow, I hope.

I look at my daughter and I cry because I want to hold onto her now and keep her as sweet and caring as she is today. She's funny and intelligent and creative and thoughtful and sassy (her word) and bossy and she has an attitude at times, but I love everything about her. I've learned a lot about her since hubby's been gone. I've learned she likes to sit in my lap and watch SpongeBob after her bath and before she goes to bed. I've learned she can write an awesome "M". I'm learning again how sensitive she is (I wonder who she gets that from). I'm learning how smart she is and how she loves to read. I'm learning that she likes Max & Ruby almost as much as SpongeBob. I've learned that she is a girly girl, she loves dresses and fingernail polish.

I've enjoyed getting to know her these past few months and I hope that when my husband comes home that my bonding with her continues, only now we have to share that time with daddy. I'll be sure and let you know how that goes.

Nothing New Here...

Just thought I would add some lines to this space. Seems it's been quite a while since I graced it with my presence... HA!

It seems this is birthday month here in our house. I have my hubby's birthday this month. My dad's is next. Then I have a cousin's birthday. Then my oldest brother. Then my step-dad. Then there's Father's Day. At the end of the month my aunt has her day. When I go to the store to buy birthday cards it's like nothing I've ever seen before. Except that I do it every year. Not only that, but I have to buy a birthday card and a father's day card for my husband from our daughter. Sheesh!

Birthday's are a reminder that we're human that our days on earth are numbered. Each day needs to be lived to the fullest. No one knows how many they're given. I wonder what it would be like to know how many days or years you would live. I don't think I could do it. Living your life with that hanging over your head. Many people have done it and many still do. The first that leaps to mind is Jesus. He knew growing up what he was meant to do. He didn't like it, but his opinion didn't matter. Did he do anything wrong? Not really. Kind of like in the wrong place at the wrong time. Do any of you wonder why you were born when you were? Why not in the days of George Washington? or Abraham Lincoln? or Moses? Why now? Anyway... as I was saying... the next people I think of are those men or women in prison. On death row. Those awaiting the death penalty. They know the exact date and time when they will breathe their last. I wonder if any of them think about the fellowship they're in. Those who know when they will meet their maker. (Sorry if this is a little morose... I'm just thinking as I go.) Those men and women get their last supper and their last cigarette. Jesus had a last supper. Course I don't think that's what they called it at the time. They didn't know it would be his last. Where as prisoners do. I don't really know where I'm going with this. Just some thoughts.

I guess I just want to be thankful and appreciative of each moment of my life. Do diets matter in the grand scheme of things? Does our life come down to how much money we packed away in our mattress? Did we love enough? Were we loved? Did we spend our life trying to be something we're not?

Each one of us is special. Each one of us matters to someone. Whether we're on death row or in the nursery at the local hospital.

PMS

It's amazing how those three letters can turn an ordinary woman into a basketcase. I am putting myself out there on the line and using myself as a guinea pig for this. I get PMS something horrible. I'm in the midst of it right now and I'm miserable. I want to cry one second and eat the house the next. One moment I'm angry over the slightest thing and then I'm making jokes and laughing at myself. I tend to put myself down when I'm in these melancholy moods. I'm trying hard to watch what I eat and then the dreaded letters come and I just want to throw caution to the wind and eat and eat and eat and eat.

My poor husband has to stand the winds of change and just bear his way through it all. He's such a trooper. It's worth noting that the times when PMS is at it's worse and I'm moody and we fight then I get no cramps. BUT the times when we're like two peas in a pod and get along till the end, my cramps are so bad I'm sick.

Now I know this is probably more than any of you ever want to know about us, but it goes to show that I'm open to any discussion. Sometimes people don't want to talk about the ugliness or the everydayness of their lives. To me it helps to know I'm not alone in this world when it comes to my struggles and difficulties. To share a story of PMS or weight loss difficulties or PT fun is just a way of connecting with others. What are we without connections? We're alone. I don't want to walk through this life alone. I want to share my journey with as many people as I can. If someone gets a laugh out of parts of my journey then I have shared something of myself.

You see. I feel so much better just having shared this with you. I feel my weight lifted and the sun is shining in my heart now... even if it's cloudy outside.

Thanks for listening.

Nightmares

No one likes to experience that feeling of falling, while either awake or asleep. I remember growing up- having the reoccuring dream where I fell off the monkey bars. It was actually re-living something that had happened. I still see it in my minds eye the hands missing, the free falling through the air, the ground rising up to meet me. It happens everytime in my dream/nightmare. Wakes me up everytime too.. right before I hit the dirt. All this is to say that we have entered the land of nightmares where our daughter is concerned. We are in unchartered territory and we don't know the first thing about how to handle it. She is waking up about 4:30 am and will not go to sleep unless we are with her. She'll sleep in our arms but if we lay her down she wakes up and cries until she is sick and gagging or until we come back in. Which we always do. Last night my hubby slept with her in the chair we keep in her room. He was in there for three or so hours, she was out like a light when he put her down and came crawling back to our bed. It the first time we've slept until 10:00 am in eons. I can't remember the last time I slept that late. See I can't sleep when she's crying in the other room. Breaks my heart. Jilts my nerves. Awakens my senses... everything!

So as we push on through uncertain waters... we embrace this time because we know that time is quickly passing. My little girl will only need me for so long. I want to be there everytime she needs me.

We decided yesterday to take a trip to the capitol city where we live. It was an uneventful trip. We went for a few hours to spend the day together and just get out of the neighborhood for a little while. We were on our way home, but stopped at the gas station to get some snacks for the ride home. Someone pulled up beside us we got there, not someone you'd notice, a young girl in a striped shirt. Easy to dismiss. Maybe too easy. We were getting situated and pulling out when the young girl left the store. We wondered what was up because she had left her car parked. We pulled out to the stop light and just waited our turn to rush back into whatever it is we were doing. The young girl crossed at the light we were sitting at. To our surprise she was taking some food and a drink to one of the young panhandlers that was standing at the light. You could have knocked us both over with a whisper. I was speechless. The comment my husband made was, "You know, I should be doing that." He's right. We sit in our newer car and take the money to go shopping and go out to eat, yet this young lady who couldn't afford it by much, if you look at her car and her clothes, spent the time, effort and money to change someone's day. It reminds me of the story in the Bible where the young woman gives her two mites and Jesus says hers is worth more than the rich men who give, because she gave what she couldn't afford- she gave her all. Sometimes I think I've forgotten what its like to have nothing and give anyway. We get so caught up in wanting more, to live comfortably, to be able to buy what we want when we want it. We forget there are many who don't have anything, but they give anyway. I will always be grateful to this young girl who in a moment of selflessness, showed me a glimpse of Jesus.