Doing it on my own

Well here we are. Four plus months into a six month deployment. It has honestly gone by faster than I imagined. I'm now worried about readjusting back to having a husband instead of worrying about how I'll handle him being gone. Don't get me wrong I'm thrilled he's coming home. No more lonely evenings (although a friend on Yahoo has helped me with that), no more taking care of a sick child while I'm sick also, no more frantically finding a babysitter when I have class on the weekend. Someone to rub my back and hold my hand and to lay next to in bed even when he's on my side. Someone to complain that I haven't vacuumed in a week. Someone to get upset that the house isn't as clean as he'd like. Someone who bought me a diamond ring for our ten year anniversary just because it was what I wanted. Someone who has helped my dreams come true. Someone with smelly ugly feet but a heart as big as the outdoors.

I've missed having him home for so many reasons. Reasons I'll need to remember as I learn how to be a spouse again in a little less than two months.

I thought I would do better on writing on here. You know the journal type thing, but as life took over my memory got shorter and my time was spent doing other things.

It's been an interesting four months. We've been sick with the flu. We've had more snow than I've seen in years. We'll have a white Christmas, which I haven't had since 1986 when I lived in Germany with my parents. We celebrated ten years of marriage on separate continents and in separate time zones. We've skyped and emailed and telephoned. We've had our good moments. We made cookies together and sent some to daddy. We've gone to McDonald's to play and got bitten yet again. We've missed daddy and his presence. We've bonded and gotten a relationship that will only grow, I hope.

I look at my daughter and I cry because I want to hold onto her now and keep her as sweet and caring as she is today. She's funny and intelligent and creative and thoughtful and sassy (her word) and bossy and she has an attitude at times, but I love everything about her. I've learned a lot about her since hubby's been gone. I've learned she likes to sit in my lap and watch SpongeBob after her bath and before she goes to bed. I've learned she can write an awesome "M". I'm learning again how sensitive she is (I wonder who she gets that from). I'm learning how smart she is and how she loves to read. I'm learning that she likes Max & Ruby almost as much as SpongeBob. I've learned that she is a girly girl, she loves dresses and fingernail polish.

I've enjoyed getting to know her these past few months and I hope that when my husband comes home that my bonding with her continues, only now we have to share that time with daddy. I'll be sure and let you know how that goes.

Just wondering outloud...

I tried to look up the percentage of American's married. The last census in 1990 came up with something like 55.6 % of American's are married. That's a tad bit over half. There's also the statistic of how close to 50% of marriages end in divorce. So if that's the case... who's staying married?

In two months I will be celebrating my 9th wedding anniversary. That means next year will be 10 years. I can hardly believe it. 10 sounds so much more official and daunting in my book. I recently described what has happened in the almost nine years of marriage. I didn't explain the day to day. The small that stuff that we irritate each other with. Whether it be leaving clothes beside the bed instead of in the hamper (not me). Or is it that the label organized mess has been permanently attached to how your spouse describes you. (guilty) You know when PMS comes around there'll be more arguments and less liking each other. Just like you know when the other is mad when there needs are not met. What is it that holds a marriage together? When the little things add up and you just want to scream at the other person. What makes you stay? My parents divorced when I was twelve years old. They each have their own reasons and their own stories. It is probably why I am terrified of divorce. Yet there have been moments when the idea has been appealing. I know I say this for both of us. You look at where you are and wonder if you are both going in the same direction. Do you have the same goals in life? Are you happy? (Now that's a loaded question.) I know for us there are times when only one of us is holding it together. It is scary... but it also real. You trust this person with your life. With your childs life. With your future. Thus far for us the thought of staying together outweighs the thought of going it alone. I know it's not the case for everyone. I don't get angry at those people who resort to divorce like I did when it happened to my family. I've been there. I've had those thoughts of just giving up. When you just reach the point where you don't care anymore. Then I breathe and I step back and take time. I realize that I love my hubby with everything in me. I may not especially like him at the moment, but I know life without him is not something I want to contemplate. We can sit in the same room and be very upset at each other and know that we still love each other. I've learned much in these nine years. He has taught me a lot. He has taught me to be honest with my feelings and know that as scary as they may be I'm entitled to them. They are mine and no one can take them from me. He's taught me to love even when I don't like. I thought you couldn't do that. I thought you had to love all the time. I'm happy to tell you what a freeing experience that is. It gives you the freedom to be angry and upset and not like them. But they are still there for you when you come in and say "I'm sorry".

Much love to you today!

Peace~