Doing it on my own

Well here we are. Four plus months into a six month deployment. It has honestly gone by faster than I imagined. I'm now worried about readjusting back to having a husband instead of worrying about how I'll handle him being gone. Don't get me wrong I'm thrilled he's coming home. No more lonely evenings (although a friend on Yahoo has helped me with that), no more taking care of a sick child while I'm sick also, no more frantically finding a babysitter when I have class on the weekend. Someone to rub my back and hold my hand and to lay next to in bed even when he's on my side. Someone to complain that I haven't vacuumed in a week. Someone to get upset that the house isn't as clean as he'd like. Someone who bought me a diamond ring for our ten year anniversary just because it was what I wanted. Someone who has helped my dreams come true. Someone with smelly ugly feet but a heart as big as the outdoors.

I've missed having him home for so many reasons. Reasons I'll need to remember as I learn how to be a spouse again in a little less than two months.

I thought I would do better on writing on here. You know the journal type thing, but as life took over my memory got shorter and my time was spent doing other things.

It's been an interesting four months. We've been sick with the flu. We've had more snow than I've seen in years. We'll have a white Christmas, which I haven't had since 1986 when I lived in Germany with my parents. We celebrated ten years of marriage on separate continents and in separate time zones. We've skyped and emailed and telephoned. We've had our good moments. We made cookies together and sent some to daddy. We've gone to McDonald's to play and got bitten yet again. We've missed daddy and his presence. We've bonded and gotten a relationship that will only grow, I hope.

I look at my daughter and I cry because I want to hold onto her now and keep her as sweet and caring as she is today. She's funny and intelligent and creative and thoughtful and sassy (her word) and bossy and she has an attitude at times, but I love everything about her. I've learned a lot about her since hubby's been gone. I've learned she likes to sit in my lap and watch SpongeBob after her bath and before she goes to bed. I've learned she can write an awesome "M". I'm learning again how sensitive she is (I wonder who she gets that from). I'm learning how smart she is and how she loves to read. I'm learning that she likes Max & Ruby almost as much as SpongeBob. I've learned that she is a girly girl, she loves dresses and fingernail polish.

I've enjoyed getting to know her these past few months and I hope that when my husband comes home that my bonding with her continues, only now we have to share that time with daddy. I'll be sure and let you know how that goes.

Deep Thoughts

I'm supposed to be writing a paper. Yet here I am with a mind full of everything but 20th Century politics. I am a huge MASH fan. HUGE!! Just ask anyone who knows me. When hubby and I were cast into hell, I mean living in Havasu, Arizona we watched every episode of MASH from beginning to end. Why you may ask? Because we had no TV reception. Tonight as I sat watching it they closed with a song:
Keep the Home Fires Burning,
While your hearts are yearning,
Though your lads are far away
They dream of home.
There's a silver lining
Through the dark clouds shining,
Turn the dark cloud inside out
'Til the boys come home.

I couldn't even make it through the song. I heard the first few lines of the chorus and I was toast. With hubby gone for his six months, the timeline between hearing those kind of songs and bursting into tears has shortened quite considerably. It has me thinking of war. Part of which I'm doing my paper on, or supposed to be working on. Anyway... I was caught up in the war justification back in 2001. It's been seven years and we are hopefully seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Was it successful, I think that is justifiably questionable. It's been said that the media take was dampened quite a bit in the Persian Gulf War. George Bush the elder made sure that the bad news didn't get to us as readily as it has this war. Technology advances have us finding out within minutes what is going on on the other side of the world. Most of the time it's so completely blown out of proportion that you have to take it with a grain of salt. These days I can talk to my hubby on the phone through the use of morale calls. Or I can skype with him and see his pretty face... (lol) or they have the phone centers. We know we are blessed. A friend of ours wasn't so blessed. Her hubby's last few tours were of the non communicado type for the length of the tour. Where am I going with this you ask. Where am I going with this... ? As I sat reading my daughter her bedtime story. She picked the book, Old Turtle by Douglas Wood. I highly recommend these. We got to the middle of the story and this is what I read: "But the people forgot. They forgot that they were a message of love, and a prayer from the earth...and often the people misused their powers, and hurt one another. Or killed one another. And they hurt the earth...Because the people could not remember who they were, or where God was." It's naive for me to assume that God can make all things better. In the ideal world, before the fall, maybe. But in this world we live in where there is much evil and much hatred we have to be stewards of what we are given. Taking care of the earth and of each other. I believe in that God would shine through. We don't need to shove it down people's throats, no standing on street corners thumping our ten pound bibles in peoples faces. What happened to living by example? I think we as American's have neglected our duties of stewardship, drilling for oil in the Arctic, denying that climate change is real, forcing our version of democracy on other people? American's are an ethno-centric people. We think people should accomadate themselves to our thinking. Spread democracy and everyone will get along? Who are we to think our way is better than anyone elses? I love being American, please don't misread what I'm saying. I value my freedom's of religion and speech and many more. Nowhere on earth can I voice my opinion and let it stand as that without some sort of consequences. That's all I'm doing here, I want people to be educated about other countries, our way is not always the right way.

One Moment In Time

Many of you may remember the song by Whitney Houston that came out in the 80's called, One Moment In Time. I think the original music video showed clips from the Olympics, they redid it showing the Challenger disaster years later. Anyway.... tonight I had my moment in time. First I have to set up the day. I am currently taking classes for a Master's Degree. This program is different in that we have our classes on the weekends and the University flies in it's professors. I'll write more about these at a later time. So, this weekend was my second class in the program and my first class with hubby deployed. My class meets Friday night, 9-5ish on Saturday and 9-4 on Sunday. So I have been gone pretty much the whole weekend. Tonight (Sunday) I also had the Contemporary Worship Service which I have to be there to practice at 5:00. *sigh* Needless to say it's my first 12 hour day in a while. I didn't get home until 8:15sh and I left the house this morning at 8:30. Sheesh!!!

With my hubby gone I had to find someone to watch my daughter. I was able to find a great girl from the service and my daughter loved being with her so much she didn't want to come home yesterday or today. The girl watching her took her out to the car and saved me much crying and screaming... my daughter still did her share of crying but I think it was better then yesterday. So tonight we had our service, a little more stressful this first time without hubby, but I made it. Our daughter did her running around thing and just being herself, wanting to be with all her "friends." She had her new fairy outfit on which included her wings, so as I'm looking at her in her seat I see her wings. Enough to make you smile right there. So a friend of ours and her husband help me get her to the car because she had skinned her foot on her shoes. We head home. She immediately asks for Spongebob on TV after we get home and I clean her up and brush her teeth, I do give in and say yes. I stopped it after one episode which led to more tears, to avoid the arguing and crying I knew was coming I turn on the TV, but I tell her no story tonight. Knowing that it's probably not going to work out the way I want it anyway. So as Sponbob, as she pronounces it , goes off she asks for another one. I'm firm in my no this time. And she starts to whine about wanting a story. So I tell her yes. You knew when you read the above that I would actually read to her didn't you? So I pick the book, a nice short one, and she's crying. No tears, but she's crying. So I give it to her to read and she dribbles her way through it. We say our prayers, remembering daddy and wanting her to sleep well.

As I turn out the lights and lay her down I just held her. Nothing more. It wasn't planned, I just wrapped my arms around her and held her. Just for about two minutes. I then layed down next to her and she wrapper her arms around me asked me if I missed daddy. It was all I could do to keep the wrenching sobs inside. My heart was aching so much. I told her, yes I missed daddy. She then reminded me that we take care of each other and that daddy will be back for her birthday and then her friends will be at her party. :) (She remembers the important stuff.) So I just held her. I wrapped her in my arms and she fell asleep as I sang our song to her.

I write this here and share it because I am #1 at rushing through my day and putting off the times when she needs me. I get anxious about getting things done and wanting me time. I don't want to look back when she's 20 and say if only I had spent more time with her. Maybe that's what I'll get from this six month experience... an appreciation of my own daughter.

Day by day

We're making it through one day at a time. A long time ago I was a newlywed. It will be ten years in December. Holy cow!! I can hardly believe it myself when I think back over the past ten years we've had together. Somewhere along the way I gave my hubby a note. I used to do that a lot. Much more than I do today. Somehow family and work and careers got in the way of our road to happily ever after. We realized this the other day as hubby got ready to deploy. We were holding hands more and watching each. We were sleeping huddled together instead of in our separate corners. This note was a quote from a book a dear friend had given me, The Notebook. This was before it was glamorized on the big screen of Hollywood, back when Nicholas Sparks was just being discovered. Here is what I gave him:

"In times of grief and sorrow I will hold you and rock you, and take your grief and make it my own. When you cry, I cry and when you hurt, I hurt. And together we will try to hold back the floods of tears and despair and make it through the potholed streets of life."

I wish I had written the date on the note so I know when it was given. So as I look back on what was to come after this note, I'll not take him for granted. We lost a daughter after this note. She never made it into the world, but we mourned her as she if she had. We made it through life in the desert, our wilderness experience, out of which came the biggest blessing we've ever seen- our daughter. Career changes have come. Economic lows have come. Now we've arrived at a huge growing experience. Six months of being away from each other. The longest we've ever been apart is ten weeks and then he was only right up the road. This time he's very far off. We're only three days into it. He's my best friend, we tell each other everything. We lay in bed at night and talk about our future together, about our daughter and how fabulous three year olds are. Our plan is to grow old together... "as we make it through the potholed streets of life".

The night before six months

You’re asleep in the other room. Again it seems that I can’t sleep. So many nights leading up to this point I’ve been restless and unable to fall asleep when you do. I want to lay next to you and fall asleep together but it doesn’t seem to be happening the way I want. Just like this whole six month thing isn’t what I want, but I know it has to be.

It still doesn’t seem real to me. You’re my best friend and I’ve never been without you this long. Not here for me to cry with or to hold hands with. Seems like we’ve done more of that in the last week or two then we have in a long while. I’ve held you and hugged you and just watched you. Trying to get my fill before I can’t see you anymore.

Whoever came up with the idea of war should be shot. Lol I’m just not ready for you to leave us. I’m not ready to take care of Melina on my own. I’m not ready to take care of me on my own. Then I think about the finances and money and paying for bills and I just want you to stay and take care of me. This is all kind of spilling out without me thinking about what I’m writing.
There’s so much I still want to say to you. So many things I want us to do together. Six months seem like an eternity. You have to come back to me. You have to. I don’t know how I could go on without you, my best friend. I’m trying to be strong and not cry. It’s just not me. I show how I feel, people know what I’m thinking when they see me. So this will be no different.
You are the best thing that’s happened to me, aside from Melina. Yet, without you there would have been no Melina. I wasn’t prepared for this day to come. I’m still not and I’m only 28 minutes away from that very day I’ve been dreading for so long. We knew it was coming and I refused to discuss it until the time came. Now it’s here and I’m still not ready.

*sigh* What more can I say that we haven’t said already. I love you. A thousand times I love you. You are my hero. My confidant. You are my lover. My best friend. You are my life partner. My help me. You are my soul mate. My soul will be lost without you. I love you more than I love myself sometimes. I love you with everything in me. I thank God for the day he brought us together.

Take care and know that I will be counting down the days until you come back home. I pray that God will watch over you and hold you when you’re lonely. Hug you when you’re scared. Hold your hand when your worried. Love you when seem so far away. Please take care of yourself. Please be careful. Please know that I love you and I will miss you everyday of these next six months.

A big milestone...

There's so much going on in the life of a toddler. Today we reached the big milestone of the big bed. I was soo very excited about putting it together and bringing Melina home from schoolhouse and seeing her excitement. I guess I didn't think too much about it. Then just a few minutes ago as I was putting her to bed I realized there would be no more rocking her and holding her and singing to her before I put her down. We even took out the chair I've used to hold her and read her stories in and sing to her. Just trying to sing, "You Are My Sunshine" was really hard. She's three years old and I still remember bringing her home and having her bed next to mine. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to make sure she was breathing. I remember putting her in her crib for the first night. Of course I remember the late night/early morning feedings, but they pale in comparison to the happy memories. I've sung to her every night I could. I've read to her or been there when hubby reads every night I could. She's one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

Help for Burma/Myanmar

What a heartbreaking day it is when we have to request through the UN help for aid to a country that has been devastated by circumstances beyon our control. It's discouraging to think that a country would deny aid to it's own people, yet that is what's going on right now in Burma/Myanmar. Thousands could be missing and possibly dying and there is nothing that can be done to encourage the military regime to open it's doors. What are they afraid of? Being taken over? Possibly. The outside world seeing how desolate the country really is. The world openig it's eyes to see the real Burma/Myanmar that we are denied access to? All of the above? They are scared and are hiding something. I would like to see the UN doing somthing about it.

I'm including a website with this post. The address is for the US Campaign for Burma.
http://uscampaignforburma.org/cyclone-nargis-devistates-burma I'm trying to help get the word out and educate people about the situation going on. It's only a small part, but I feel I must do something.

Here also is another site that has been set-up to help educate people on what has been going on. http://uscampaignforburma.org/action/flier.pdf and other still where you can write a letter to the editor of your local newspaper about your concerns and support of what is going on http://uscampaignforburma.org/action/burma_media.pdf. Please help in any way you can.

Beyond Words

I was moved today. Moved and affected deeply by something that I saw today. On the cable station Animal Planet there was a progrma called Face to Face with the Polar Bear. It was chronicalling the journey of a pair of polar bear cubs during their first year. One was male and one was female. The last scene I was able to watch was the female at the end of her fist year emaciated and starving. Shaking so badly becuase all her fat deposits were gone... she had no resources left to find something to eat. It was only a matter of time before she became prey for some other animal, possibly another polar bear, to come along and kill her. The site of her was so unexpected and so grotesque that I broke down in tears. Heart wrenching sobs seemed to come out of nowhere as I relived this site in my head. Bailey (our cat) came out to see me because she had heard me. Even now as I think about it and write this I am crying. I feel so much for this animal for any animal that they have to reach this point is so hard for me to deal with. The moral of the story was that our planet is warming. The polar bears main route to food was dislodged and she had to take another path, because of this she lost weight and was unable to make up for it. I feel so helpless for these animals. Our world is crumbling around them and they are the innocent parties here. We the human's are ruining the planet and most people don't care. They say leave it to future generations to fix. How dare we!? How dare we be so selfish that we take away the polar icecaps, or the everglades, or the rainforest?? There are beings that live there!!! There are animals who call that home! Who will stand up for them? Who will be the voice of the voiceless??

Phone calls...

I don't care what you say.... people in Wisconsin can kiss my butt. Talk about some rude people!!! I realize that they are getting lot of phone calls. I realize they've heard it all before... but do you have to be such jack-asses on the phone??? I called for about 8 minutes. My heart couldn't take anymore. How do people face this kind of rudeness for two hours?? I am not an outgoing person in the firstplace. It's going out on a limb for me to call people anyway... everytime it cues me that the line is ringing my heart is my throat and I'm holding my breath. 7/8th of my calls were hangups. I had one rude ol bat tell me she wouldn't vote for my candidate if I payed her. My natural tendency is to give her some snotty answer and to call her a colorful name, but I can guarantee it would get me in trouble. My people would call and ask me to never volunteer for anything like this again. *sigh* Oh well... my next assignment is going to be collecting signatures to get Hillary on the ballot here in MT. This one I think should go much better. My goal is 75-100 people. We'll see what happens. Wish me luck!

Prayer Time

There's nothing like listening to your two year old (almost three) saying her prayers. She remembers mommy and daddy (after prompting at previous prayer times). She remembers her school house teacher. She remembers her best friends and her buddy. She remembers the cats Andy, Bailey, and Callie. For a while she remembered her Uncle Bailey when he came to visit. The time is so precious... her little voice is so sweet. I want that time to last forever. I want to videotape her and keep it forever and ever. I want her to stay as little and innocent as she is today. I don't want another baby to go through this again. I just want her. I want her to be my baby forever. She is my love, my little miracle, my little baby.

I Want To Be Heard

I want my vote to count. I want my voice to be heard. Yet right now I feel like a voice speaking in the wilderness. When do the people get to have their say? When do I get to make a difference? What can I do to get my opinion heard? They say that "every dog gets his day" well then by golly I want mine. I want people to hear what the average woman, mother, wife has to say about the election process. I want my frustration to be known. I want people to know that the mainstream media doesn't know everything. Not even close!! They're supposed to be representing the average American. All they are really doing is trying to brainwash American's into voting for who they want. So then they can have the power. We give them too much power to mush say and way too much influence in how we think. Do you honestly think that they know what's best for us? They with the million dollar cars and mega-million dollar houses? How did we let this happen? How did we lose ourselves? How did we lose our identity?

I want so badly to talk with Sen. Clinton. If you know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows her, please let me know,let her know give her my number! I want her to know that there are people out there who don't believe a word Obama is saying. We don't fall for the pretty words and false promises. Whatever happened to believing in a real person? Someone who makes mistakes and learns from them. Why do people fall for the person the media is promoting? Do you ever ask yourself why are they promoting him? What does he get out of the deal? What do they get out of the deal? What is he doing for the publicity? To me he is sacrificing his integrity and respect by selling out to the mainstream media. My heart is breaking as I think of all she is going through. My prayers are doubling for her even as we speak.

Air time

You know what really irks me about this election process? It's all the press time that the "popular," "say what you want to hear," "gives me a warm f-in fuzzy" person is getting.

WHY? There's no place in this media that we as common people can voice our opinion!!! I am so frustrated! I want so badly to tell the people of the US what idiot's they are being. WHY?? Are you falling for the smoke and mirrors this person is spewing out like puke?? Are you so desperate that you have to fall for false promises? For BS??? You are setting yourself up for disappointment. For a reality check that's going to smack you in the head and then you'll have screwed up things for the rest of us!!! I cannot tell you enough how much I dislike this man. He is FAKE!!! He is full of CRAP!!! Do not do this to the rest of us who actually are intelligent and don't fall for BS!!!!!!!!

Holding My Breath

I never in my wildest dreams expected to be waiting for a day called "Super Tuesday", yet here I am. I'm anxious. I'm testy (just ask the hubby). Every time I change the channel it's to check out CNN or MSNBC to see what new developments there are. I actually sat through an entire Democratic debate. Yep, I said it. I have officially changed my position. I'm a newby in the Democrat field. They do things a bit different on this side of the isle. This whole delegate thing is enough to make anyone lose their mind. I think I like the Republican way in that respect... winner takes all. I was thinking that was the way things ran until the Nevada primary when they divided everything up and I was thoroughly lost.

Who knew this would be such an important nomination. Either way it goes will be historical. I have my pick. I know whom I want to win. I'm trying to be unbiased in this post. I am trying to see the other side. I'm trying to figure out the positives in the other candidate. So far it's been a struggle finding something that I like. I won't hide the fact that I don't like Obama. I see him and I think.... "car salesman" back away!! My gut tells me he is too good to be true. I don't think he knows what he's talking about when he's announces he stands for change. He speaks change but his actions and endorsees shout... we've been down this road before. I'm not willing to take the chance of letting him try out his wings as President of the US. There's too much at stake.

I want Hillary. I am a woman and I want Hillary. She has experience. She has integrity. She has guts. She has what it takes to run this country. She can win against ANY of the Republican candidates. She can weather any storm that they may throw at her. She's already made it through Monicagate with her integrity attached there's nothing she can't do. (Besides pee standing up. ) I am very aware that my position is an awkward position in the community I live. My husband is in the military and it's unheard of to vote Democrat let alone for a woman. I honestly don't care, he (the hubby) supports me in my voting for Hillary. I can't say where he stands, I'll just say it's just not far from me.

I'm frustrated with the way Hillary is being attacked about her vote on the war in Iraq. I see how short America's memory is. I see how quickly we forgot what happened on September 11th. Do you remember that feeling you had when you saw the towers? Do you remember how you wanted to wage war on anyone and anything that had to do with this? We as a country were very caught up in the moment. Very sure that we wanted someone to pay. Is it so wrong that she was also? That maybe she wanted someone to pay too? Why is she now being made to pay for this? What's done is done. It was voted on. WHO THE HELL CARES NOW?!?! We can't do anything now about who voted which way! We all make mistakes. I dare any of you to be in her position and then I want to see what you come up with. What matters now is ending things.

My prayer is that America thinks through these decisions. Please don't just take the media's say so on this. Please listen to the debates. We are in the midst of history in the making. I pray that we pay attention and that we make the decision that is right for us as individuals. Yours may be different from mine. That's okay. Just stop for a minute and realize we are history.

Time for a new looking me

This is it. This is my last weekend of eatting freedom. I've spent the holidays putting back on the 10 pounds that I had lost. While I don't know exactly what I weigh right now I am going to find that out on Monday. Here at the company my hubby works for they are starting a Largest Loser Contest. I signed up. It involves accountability, and kitchen demonstrations, motivation, and excercise. I'm holding myself to high standards and I need you all to hold me accountable also. I have attainable goals and I plan on reaching them through this program! My goal 30 -40 pounds by the end of the program. I am still carrying around mmy baby weight and my daughter is almost three years old. How cliche am I?? Please pray for me and the hubby because he will be inadvertantly involved with this. He doesn't get a choice. It's what we both need. I'm trying to psyche myself up to get tothe gym every day!!! Or at least do something on the off days. Please pray for me. I need all the support I can get.

Okay yes it's time.

To get political.

I sit watching news stations and I want to scream!!! I swear the American people are so BLIND they can't see a wolf in sheep's clothing. As we go into the NH caucases tomorrow the state of NH will probably cast there nets with Obama. I could not be more sick. I watch helplessly as they fall hook line and sinker for words and talk and fake exteriors. I see this on TV and I grow more and more frustrated with how naive the american people are. We go with the pretty face the one with all the nice words. We go with the one the celebrities in Hollywood or Chicago want. Who the hell cares if Oprah supports someone. Is she the only one who gets any say? I certainly hope not! Where are the voices of the small people? When did we sell ourselves out for popularity?

I am 100% behind Hillary Clinton. She has the experience that is needed and the heart to be the President of the US. Why all of a sudden is it a bad thing for a candidate to have experience? Why are nice words more important that a resume? Why do you think the NFL has so many young backup quarterbacks? Because they have to gain EXPERIENCE! Hillary recently told Obama that he is selling the american people false hopes. She was attacked with some quote about JFK that Obama threw back. Her comment was so educated and so far over his head that it should prove to the american public just how inept he really is. Does he really think that it's going to be easy to run a country? Does he think that it's all going to go his way? He's got such unrealistic ideals for the country that the only thing ahead if he becomes president is dismal failure. Hillary knows the system. Before she even met Bill Clinton she was involved in politics. She's been involved with it for years. Her whole life was preparing her for this one journey. She is the candidate who will take us to a new place. Hillary knows change. She has watched it since her political education began years ago. I suggest anyone who is thinking of voting for Obama read Hillary's book. There you will find a woman of integrity and promise. A woman who is more than ready and prepared to lead America.

I dare you to go to her website www.Hillary.Clinton.com Read something there and tell me that she's not the best candidate. I'll be more than happy to tell you you're wrong. :D