Peace...

I try not to get political in this space. I have my opinions and views and they are my own. I dont' force them on others.

I recently found this website/blog. I commend this woman on her honesty.

http://hollywoodfarmgirl.blogspot.com/2007/05/oh-sister-my-sister.html

I hope you read it and think about it.

At a loss...

We here in our Montana community are reeling over a recent loss. Yesterday a tragic event occurred- one I have never been witness to. A young man died while doing what he loved. Flying. He was thirty-one. My age. One minute he was there and the next he was gone. I didn't know him personally, but his life has impacted my family and community.



I remember the words to a song from years ago. Sung by Amy Grant.



So much pain and no good reason why,
you've cried until the tears run dry.
Nothing here can make you understand,
the one thing that you held so dear,
is slipping from your hand.



Why, why, why
does it go this way?
Why, why, why,
is all I can say.

Somewhere down the road
there'll be answers to our questions.
Somewhere down the road,
though you cannot see it now.
Somewhere down the road you will find open arms,
they're reaching for you.
They will hold the answers at the end of the road.

It seems trite to limit this occasion to a song.

Why should I write about this occurrence when they're so much pain going on in the world? I guess for once in my life the outside world intruded on mine.

I pray for the young man's family. For the one's who won't see him again. I imagine it being me that has to hear the news. I pray that his family finds comfort. I pray that their world will stop and mourn with them.

PMS

It's amazing how those three letters can turn an ordinary woman into a basketcase. I am putting myself out there on the line and using myself as a guinea pig for this. I get PMS something horrible. I'm in the midst of it right now and I'm miserable. I want to cry one second and eat the house the next. One moment I'm angry over the slightest thing and then I'm making jokes and laughing at myself. I tend to put myself down when I'm in these melancholy moods. I'm trying hard to watch what I eat and then the dreaded letters come and I just want to throw caution to the wind and eat and eat and eat and eat.

My poor husband has to stand the winds of change and just bear his way through it all. He's such a trooper. It's worth noting that the times when PMS is at it's worse and I'm moody and we fight then I get no cramps. BUT the times when we're like two peas in a pod and get along till the end, my cramps are so bad I'm sick.

Now I know this is probably more than any of you ever want to know about us, but it goes to show that I'm open to any discussion. Sometimes people don't want to talk about the ugliness or the everydayness of their lives. To me it helps to know I'm not alone in this world when it comes to my struggles and difficulties. To share a story of PMS or weight loss difficulties or PT fun is just a way of connecting with others. What are we without connections? We're alone. I don't want to walk through this life alone. I want to share my journey with as many people as I can. If someone gets a laugh out of parts of my journey then I have shared something of myself.

You see. I feel so much better just having shared this with you. I feel my weight lifted and the sun is shining in my heart now... even if it's cloudy outside.

Thanks for listening.

Dieting

I want to much to be one of those people who can eat and eat and never gain any weight. I worked with a girl in 98 who LOST weight when she quit working out at the gym. I wish so much that had been my dilemma. I think ever since I can remember I have been on a diet. Whether I needed to or not mind you. When I was in high school and just a tiny person I wanted to be skinnier. I had big calves and was curvy. All the other girls on the cheer leading squad were skinny and petite and had small calves. All except for Kim Lester. She and I used to bond over our muscular calves. We wondered why our were so different than everyone else's. Who knows! Anyway... HS was stressful and I always compared myself to everyone else. I wanted to be small like everyone else.

Then came college and they talked about the Freshman fifteen which I was determined NOT to gain. I think I gained them my Sophomore year. I worked like a fiend to get that weight off. I started running... which if anyone knows me, knows I detest running. I'll run if someone is chasing me or if I have to lose weight. So I ran. I made it to running two miles at a time and I actually enjoyed doing it. Then I fell off the wagon and never got back on. I did lose the weight but the next year and the year after it came back in full force. I wasn't fitting in my high school clothes anymore. I was "maturing", so my weight had to adjust. UGH!!

I got married six months or so after graduating from college. All girls want to look young and fabulous and skinny in their wedding dresses. I was no different. My problem I discovered was that I love to eat. I like the taste of food and don't feel as though I should deprive myself of what I like.

So here I am... a thirty-one year old mother of one and I am STILL trying to lose the baby weight I gained when I was pregnant. My daughter is now two. You'd think it would have been all gone by now... but NO! It's still here. So I am facing many a dilemma. Amidst the stress of dealing with a two year I have had a light bulb moment. I shared this with the hubby and he agreed. I learned that since my baby was born I have put all my attention and care into her. As you may have read we just started daycare. I had no time for me. I didn't give myself and treats or rewards or take anytime for myself because I was watching her 24/7. In my neglect I taught myself that the way I "treated/ rewarded" myself was to eat whatever I wanted. I would eat Oreo's or chocolate chip cookies, or regular Coke, and never exercise. These were my comfort and my taking care of me. Only it's backfired. I've not lost weight I struggle with achy joints and I still can't fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes. I'm miserable! Not only that my I have gone and bought post pregnancy size clothes in addition to the ones that I have that I can't get into. So now I have a closet and a half full of clothes.

My goal is to accept myself for my flaws and still to lose weight. Do you think that's possible?

PT Update

I know you all are dieing to find out how the little one is doing with her PT (potty training). We took a small break at the beginning of April.. but we are diligently trying again.

She is good about going. We just have to ask her if she has to go potty. Just this morning she went on the potty so I put pull-up's on her. She came back later after she found a pair of her little underwear in her room. So I thought since she was doing so well we'd try it. Shortly after that she was wanting more to drink. She sat on the couch while I went to the kitchen to get the drink and in less than thirty seconds she had peed on the couch. I hope it doesn't smell to awfully bad. I've never encountered this before. I know I say that a lot. THIS IS ALL NEW TO ME!!! She is doing very well. I keep thinking maybe she can teach herself so I don't have to do anything... then I realize I know better! After the initial irritation of encountering pee on the couch (it actually has a slipcover~but some still got on the couch), I though of it as funny and cute. Something else that show's me that my baby is just that... still a baby. I don't want to rush her or judge her or ridicule her for being herself. All of the two years that she is. She's fabulous. She's the perfect combination of me and the hubby. She's the best she that she can be.

First Day of Daycare

Well today we sent our wee one out into the world of Daycare. She just turned two and this is a first for all of us. We have long since used baby-sitters and currently have some of the best there are! I have put it off and put it off until I can't do it anymore. Ma petite is the most social child I have ever seen. We realized a long tie ago we were doing her a disservice by not having her around other children her age. The only interaction she gets is with children during her gymnastics class and in church on Sunday's. This is not near enough for someone as social as she is. So I put it off and put it off until I couldn't anymore in good conscience keep it from her.

Now that's not the only reason I have taken these measures. I need me time. I have for the past two years spent pretty much 24/7 with an infant. If that's not enough to drive you mad then I don't know what is. I have always been a person who needs quiet and alone time. When you have a young child that goes out the window. So when I start to feel my sanity slipping I realize that it's not doing myself or my daughter any good. So we start the process of finding someone for her. It was hard coming to the point that I had to think of myself. I have always heard that you should put your child before you. At last I realized that in finding her an outlet I was finding one for myself. I came to the understanding that I was hurting her by not taking care of myself.

So we start a new phase today and it's one that I am ready for but also means that she is growing up. It's not the first day of school, but for me it's still a step of her growing process.