One Moment In Time

Many of you may remember the song by Whitney Houston that came out in the 80's called, One Moment In Time. I think the original music video showed clips from the Olympics, they redid it showing the Challenger disaster years later. Anyway.... tonight I had my moment in time. First I have to set up the day. I am currently taking classes for a Master's Degree. This program is different in that we have our classes on the weekends and the University flies in it's professors. I'll write more about these at a later time. So, this weekend was my second class in the program and my first class with hubby deployed. My class meets Friday night, 9-5ish on Saturday and 9-4 on Sunday. So I have been gone pretty much the whole weekend. Tonight (Sunday) I also had the Contemporary Worship Service which I have to be there to practice at 5:00. *sigh* Needless to say it's my first 12 hour day in a while. I didn't get home until 8:15sh and I left the house this morning at 8:30. Sheesh!!!

With my hubby gone I had to find someone to watch my daughter. I was able to find a great girl from the service and my daughter loved being with her so much she didn't want to come home yesterday or today. The girl watching her took her out to the car and saved me much crying and screaming... my daughter still did her share of crying but I think it was better then yesterday. So tonight we had our service, a little more stressful this first time without hubby, but I made it. Our daughter did her running around thing and just being herself, wanting to be with all her "friends." She had her new fairy outfit on which included her wings, so as I'm looking at her in her seat I see her wings. Enough to make you smile right there. So a friend of ours and her husband help me get her to the car because she had skinned her foot on her shoes. We head home. She immediately asks for Spongebob on TV after we get home and I clean her up and brush her teeth, I do give in and say yes. I stopped it after one episode which led to more tears, to avoid the arguing and crying I knew was coming I turn on the TV, but I tell her no story tonight. Knowing that it's probably not going to work out the way I want it anyway. So as Sponbob, as she pronounces it , goes off she asks for another one. I'm firm in my no this time. And she starts to whine about wanting a story. So I tell her yes. You knew when you read the above that I would actually read to her didn't you? So I pick the book, a nice short one, and she's crying. No tears, but she's crying. So I give it to her to read and she dribbles her way through it. We say our prayers, remembering daddy and wanting her to sleep well.

As I turn out the lights and lay her down I just held her. Nothing more. It wasn't planned, I just wrapped my arms around her and held her. Just for about two minutes. I then layed down next to her and she wrapper her arms around me asked me if I missed daddy. It was all I could do to keep the wrenching sobs inside. My heart was aching so much. I told her, yes I missed daddy. She then reminded me that we take care of each other and that daddy will be back for her birthday and then her friends will be at her party. :) (She remembers the important stuff.) So I just held her. I wrapped her in my arms and she fell asleep as I sang our song to her.

I write this here and share it because I am #1 at rushing through my day and putting off the times when she needs me. I get anxious about getting things done and wanting me time. I don't want to look back when she's 20 and say if only I had spent more time with her. Maybe that's what I'll get from this six month experience... an appreciation of my own daughter.

Anxiety

It seems that anxiety can manifest itself in many ways. My hubby tells me I am a "Type-A" person. For the most case I don't have any problem with this. Except when it comes to being anxious and forgetting to breath. That's my unofficial term for anxiety-forgetting to breathe. I have to remind myself to slow down my breathing... deep breaths. I took yoga many years ago and they taught me about breathing... last year I was involved in Pilates and experienced the same thing. I am a very go-getter type person. I tend to focus on what I'm doing and forget things around me. I stay up at night trying to fall alseep because of the many things going through my head. Lately I have re-discovered if I slow down my breathing take deep breaths and release all that toxic air that's in my gut then I tend to fall asleep twice as fast.

All this is to lead up to the fact that I have started biting my nails again. I had gone several years without whittling them down to nothing, but I seem to have found myself biting them again. I'm in the process of trying to find the source of my anxiety and go from there. I do believe that nail biting is an outward sign of what's going on internally. I know that I am all twisted up inside I can feel it. But what is causing it is yet to be determined. So please when you read this send a little prayer on my behalf that I an find why I'm anxious and stop biting my nails, and stop eating sugar, and start excercising... and, oh we'll get to the rest later.